The Power of Self Compassion

Mental Health

Jul 2

In my practice I encourage my patients to build their own “tool box” for managing mental health symptoms, and for most of us these tools include some combination of: psychotropic medications; psychotherapy; lifestyle choices (such as exercise/meditation); and social connections/sources of relationship support. However, if there was one fundamental tool I could bestow to all of my patients, it would be the practice of self-compassion.

Self-compassion is central to my practice because I have witnessed its ability to heal psychological wounds like no other practice. When I first discuss the importance of self-compassion with most of my patients, my advice is often met with a range of responses, including eye rolls, disbelief, diminishment, or some version of, “Really??? How is this supposed to help me???”. And I understand this skepticism which stems from a culture that teaches us the opposite of self-compassion – that motivation stems from fear and self-criticism. This belief can be so abiding and strong that the thoughts associated with it are automatic and may feel “natural;” self-compassion on the other hand initially may feel “counter-intuitive.”

Dr. Kristen Neff, the psychologist whose research first established the strong evidence supporting self-compassion as a therapeutic tool, states of self-criticism and negative self-talk: “Self criticism as a motivator is like an old, cold powered locomotive. It gets you up the hill but it blows out a lot of black dark smoke. It kind of works but has all kinds of negative consequences.”

(https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/owning-it-the-anxiety-podcast/id1449728710?i=1000489588272)

Dr. Neff’s commitment to the “super power” of self-compassion is so singular that she has devoted her entire career to the research and implementation of clinical skills supporting its use, and her website (self-compassion.org) offers many resources for those interested in learning more. She explains that self-compassion is not the same as self-esteem, it is not egotistical nor self-centered. It is the ability to give ourselves the same grace and forgiveness we often extend so easily to others, and emanates from the recognition that we are all flawed and vulnerable, and that we all make mistakes, large and small. It enables us to view our flaws from a growth mindset, one in which we learn from our mistakes, allowing us to move on without regret, shame or guilt. It is a practice which is life long for all of us, and bestows benefits that are available to all of us, no matter who we are, because at its core self-compassion comes from the understanding and acknowledgement of our shared humanity.

When I see the magic of self-compassion implemented in a patient’s life, I am able to celebrate with them a spark which continues to grow into a burning ember that empowers and truly motivates positive and sustained behavioral change.