You Get to Feel How You Feel
Sometimes, when we experience a confusing situation in our lives—a tricky misunderstanding, a missed flight, a difficult loss, or even positive news we weren't expecting—we can find ourselves in a nagging bind over how to process it. We can tie ourselves up wondering, "How am I supposed to feel about this?" Or, we might stressfully say to ourselves, "I know I should feel [insert desired emotion] about this, but I just feel [insert actual emotion]!"
Our emotions, like our lives and the people around us, are nuanced and rich. In my psychotherapy practice, I've supported many people over the years who can be hard on themselves for how they feel, however unintentionally. (And I don't exempt myself from this, either!) We live in a culture that reinforces the idea that to feel better means to look at a situation in a certain way, or that certain emotions are better than others. But the truth is, it's normal, human, and honest to feel *multiple* ways about a single event. Rather than believing we should feel only one way about something and trying to talk ourselves out of anything else, acknowledging *the range* of our feelings is what helps us begin to feel better. This has nothing to do with our character or how we choose to act; this just a way for us to have our own backs within the safety of our own minds, by being honest with ourselves about how we're feeling.
This is certainly easier said than done, and it may not be news to some. But if this concept resonates with you, here's an experiment to play with: the next time you have five minutes to yourself—maybe while brushing your teeth, or commuting—give yourself the gift of slowing down to identify each of your emotions about something you experienced recently. Don't try to analyze or talk yourself out of any of them; simply acknowledge the existence of each feeling.
The internal validation might feel strange if you're not used to it, but you might notice even just a glimmer of relief from it, and maybe even insight. You get to feel how you feel.
My psychotherapy practice incorporates mindfulness and the Internal Family Systems approach within a relational context—meaning I'm here for you while helping you to show up better for yourself. If you'd like to learn more, visit my website at www.sitwithshirin.com.
Shirin Shoai, CA LMFT 97538
(she/her) - practicing in California(415) 663-6071
Certified IFS Therapist (Level 3) and Approved Clinical Consultant
Host of the Multiracial Mental Health podcast
Group supervisor, The Psychotherapy Institute
